LIBÉRATE

(SET YOURSELF FREE)

Lately I’ve been realizing just how suffocating it can feel sometimes to live up to the expectations of others. It’s had me in somewhat of a sinking feeling; constantly working to stay afloat but never quite enough to truly catch my breath… and that is just exhausting!

And yet, even higher than others’ expectations of me are my expectations of myself.

I’ve always been a bit of a perfectionist and have made allowances for my inner critic by chalking it up to a personal value for excellence but, if we are being honest, I think there is more to the story. I’ve come to realize that my inner critic and I are in a toxic relationship and that this “drive for excellence” as I call it is actually rooted in something else: A fear of failure and deep seated belief that who I am as I am is not quite enough.

I’m sure we’ve all heard at least once that “comparison is the thief of joy”. Though I’ve heard many times about the dangers of comparison, it hadn’t been until a couple months ago that I realized that I actually have a comparison issue myself. It’s an area of my life that has gone unchecked because my comparison hasn’t been with my friends, leaders, or people I see on Instagram but instead with the “ideal self” that lives within my head.

It is somewhat of a common practice to “visualize your future self” as a form of motivation to hustle and put in the work now so that some day you may become that person you can see in your head. For me, that ideal image of myself has had the opposite effect. It has been a nagging reminder that, despite my best efforts, I am not her. I have been holding myself to her standard for years now, pushing back the launch date for dreams, goals, and desires until I meet her criteria. Her harsh standards have been expertly disguised as goals in my mind: “when I lose weight, when my skin clears up, when I’m healed up and more confident, when I have more time.” I’ve allowed this voice to live rent free in my head for so long and convince me that I’m not yet who I need to be for my dreams to be successful. “You’re almost there; just a little bit longer.” Well, I’ve been living in the almost for too long.

This inner critic has set a trap for me; a chain of limiting beliefs. I can tell myself all day long that they are healthy and motivating goals I’ve set for myself when the truth is: They are not goals, they are excuses. Excuses that come from a place of discontent. Goals have an end in sight and are met with celebration while excuses have no end in sight and have the ability to postpone my dreams indefinitely. They are sinking sand.

I was in that familiar sinking feeling just a few weeks ago where I could feel the walls close in around me on all sides: the expectations and requirements of me from myself and others. I just began to melt in a puddle of tears, so discouraged that though I had given absolutely all I had, people were still asking for more. In that place, unable to catch my breath, I heard a familiar voice. And He breathed new life into something I’ve heard him say a million times but never quite like this.

“Lauren, I am gentle, humble, and easy to please. What I require of you is pleasant and easy to bare.”

Wow… These words this time stopped me dead in my tracks. They provided such stunning contrast to how I was feeling. It was only when compared against the kindness of Jesus that I realized just how unkind my inner critic had been.

It is pretty radical, pretty counter cultural that Jesus himself is easy to please. If what He requires of me should feel pleasant and easy to bare, then why would I need to hold myself to any other standard?

Then I started to take a second look at this “ideal self”. Who said that she was the golden standard anyways? The best “me” that I could become? I began to realize what each limiting belief was really saying. I didn’t want to just lose weight, I wanted to have a different body type. I didn’t just want to be more confident, I wanted to have a different personality type. But why? Who says there is something wrong with mine and that the one that lives within my head is inherently better?

So I’m learning to set myself free from my own expectations and giving myself the permission to surprise myself. That doesn’t mean that I’m settling for less or even lowering my expectations of myself but instead living by a different standard all together, building off of a new foundation entirely. A way of living that removes the blinders and lifts my eyes to see all that I am currently and reflect on the reality that perhaps I am capable of becoming so much more than I can imagine.

As the blinders have come off, something really beautiful has happened: I’ve started to notice just how much I’ve grown in ways it was so difficult to imagine being possible just years ago.

I have been in the process of learning Spanish for 10 years now. My motivating factor has always been to share the most intimate and beautiful parts of life with people who’s first language is Spanish. There have been many tears and embarrassing and frustrating moments in the process as well as many times wondering if I will ever be at a place when I can share the depths of my heart in another language or tell jokes and share funny or embarrassing stories. Just this past weekend I was having a conversation with someone in Spanish. We laughed and joked around and I shared deep parts of my heart and future goals and desires with her. The conversation lasted close to an hour and I wasn’t even mentally fatigued. I was refreshed. And it hit me… I am the Lauren I used to dream about.

And that is just incredible; a miracle, even.

It’s one thing to “set yourself free” from your future self and another thing entirely for that thought to truly transform the way that you think, live, and create. I suppose it happens one day at a time because that is what our life is composed of. So that is where I am currently- building my life with each day but now on a new foundation (one that is not sinking but solid) and with a new standard (one that sets me free instead of holding me captive).

And I guess that’s where you are, too: with the raw materials of your “Today” trying to decide what to build. May you feel the room to breathe, the freedom to grow, and a spark of hope that who you will become and what you will accomplish is vastly more that you can even imagine.